Writing Makes It Better

When we wonder where God is when we are having a hard time, remember, the teacher is always quiet while the student takes their tests.

This has been a yucky day. It's the kind that kicks you hard, where you aren't 100% sure you will be able to wake up in the morning and move because you feel like when you finally fall asleep you'll need to sleep a year to catch up you feel so tired. Today was that kind of day. The day I envy Rip Van Winkle. It seems almost comical to me today is the day I feel utterly overwhelmed, when in reality I had a stinking chest tube and was hospitalized just a couple weeks ago. (I guess the meds must have done more than I thought!)

It makes me very grateful for a wonderful husband, who has introduced me to lots of great speakers and books. And for the Lord helping me to recall things in the moment I need them most. A little while back I read a book called When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered by S. Michael Wilcox. He talks about how we have a fourth watch God. That he tries to help us learn, and allows us to struggle a little to do so.

Here is an excerpt from the book:

The night Jesus walked on the water he calmed the wind afterward, and the scripture specifically says:

"And immediately the ship was at the land whither they went" (John 6:21). Isn't that the ideal finale to

the crises of our lives? "Please calm my storms, Lord, and immediately get me to my destination." He can

do it, can't he? When the storms are blowing in my life, that is usually the solution I desire -- simply still

the storm, at least still it in the second watch. But if we arrive at the darkness of the fourth watch and he

still hasn't stilled it, we likely have learned something-- something wonderful and powerful, something

about ourselves.

The Lord knows all the trials and hardships we will encounter. He will never give us more than we are able to bear. "Before the wind ever started to blow, he prepared us to withstand it." If we couldn't withstand it, He would have stilled the storm by now.

This leads me to believe, that if he isn't stilling the storms, he must know my worn out boat can withstand the stormy seas. I wish I felt like I was in the fourth watch, but unfortunately, I don't think I am there yet. I just think whoever is in charge of the watch schedule made my watches a tad too long. Unfortunately my complaining doesn't seem to be shortening them at all, so it's probably better to be optimistic. After all, when I've prayed for years for the Lord to help me accomplish big things and to be more like Him, I guess I should expect to work for it. What worth accomplishing isn't hard to do?

So I ask everyone as a personal favor this week to be extra kind. Think twice before you say inconsiderate things about yourself or others. Compliment the people around you. If someone asks for help, give it willingly. There is enough negativity and gloom surrounding us every day, try to add something beautiful.

To quote my favorite talk from my church's General Conference this year, "Surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those that don't expect it and often feel they don't deserve it." If you have 15 minutes, this talk is well worth your time. Whether you share my faith or not, it is a wonderful message, and was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

We all need mercy, from God, from others, from ourselves. Because none of us can get through this life on our own. Whether you realize it or not, whether you accept it or not, you need help. And the people who need it most are usually not the ones who will ask for it. Unfortunately people don't wear signs saying, "Be nice, my child died unexpectedly two weeks ago." or "I haven't showered because my house foreclosed and I have been living out of a car." You don't know what someone else may be going through, so please just be nice. Isn't that just easier?

Free As I Want To Be

FINALLY! I am home from the hospital. Apparently my condition was starting to get worse, and they had no choice but to put a chest tube in. I can't say I recommend it to anyone, it hurts like crazy to breathe. They slice you open while you are awake, shove a tube in between two of your ribs, then insert a tube hooked up to a ventilator with suction that sucks up all the air in the plural space between your chest wall and your lungs.

I learned two things about chest tubes this week. One, even if it feels like it, the chest tube cannot suck up your lung, just the air. Trust me, the way it hurt, I imagined it was exactly like a vacuum when you stick it next to your skin. I thought there was a good possibility the suction would just suck up my lung like a piece of lint on the carpet.

Two, you can't think about how gross it is...a tube is actually in your chest! I really got light headed thinking about how it was lodged in there. And probably because it hurt like crazy while it was suctioning... and I was immobile for so long I have this weird headache that won't go away.

Here's what I learned about myself. I am SO INCREDIBLY blessed. I have a wonderful husband who refused to leave my side. I had incredible nurses who took care of me. My nurse Barbara held my hand as they shoved the tube into my chest cavity, something that meant the world to me at a moment when I was scared of what was happening next. I have family that rallies around me, gives me their time without a thought, and waits on me when I am unable to do much for myself. My co-workers have been concerned and visited, my sisters at church brought me meals, flowers, and kind words of encouragement. I am without words to adequately describe what it means to me.

So thank you! Thank you for your love. Thank you for your encouragement. And thank all of you for your friendship. It means the world to me and I hope you know how much I appreciate it.

Medical Mishaps

It has been an eventful week. And a non-eventful week. Both at the same time. Any week you go to the hospital three times it's bound to be interesting. On Tuesday I had surgery for the reoccurring mass on my back. The two weeks previous, I had a feeling something would go wrong. Not a worry-filled something won't be right feeling, more of a things are not going to go as expected premonition. As I prayed contemplating if I should even go through with the surgery, I had the firm reassurance all would be well, but things were not going to go as planned.

I can tell you, I would have been ecstatic to be wrong, but unfortunately I wasn't.

The day of my surgery, I felt like I should not have anesthesia. I did not know if it would even be an option to stay awake, or furthermore why in my right mind I would ever want to!? Everyone told me to go ahead and be sedated, but I just could not do it. So the surgery began, and I watched on a screen as the largest needle I NEVER wanted to see was placed into my back injecting Sotradecol to shrink the mass. I was warned it would be painful, so I didn't think anything was wrong when the pain began.

As soon as I sat up after surgery, I felt like I could not breathe. No matter how much I wanted to, I was just not able to get enough air. After an hour's observation and good oxygen levels, they let me go home.

Fast forward two days to Thursday, and I know something cannot be right. The pain in my back I anticipated, the chest pain I did not. The pain inside my chest was not going away and I did not recall feeling this way before. I broke down and called the nurse to ask what could be going on. She said I needed to go immediately for a chest x-ray and see what was going on.

So off we went to the ER to find out what could be wrong. The two things the doctors thought it could be, a blood clot ( I was informed before the surgery on Tuesday pulmonary embolism has happened on occasion) or a collapsed lung. After about four hours of waiting they told me I indeed had a pnuemothorax, and the air escaping my punctured lung was causing my lung tocollapse. They sent me home and told me to follow up Friday. This is what my lung looked like Thursday:

As to not continue to bore you, the rest of the story that brings us to where I am now is, I was told not to do anything strenuous and to be very cautious since I cannot breathe normally, and to stay close to an ER at all times this coming week in case my lung decides to collapse entirely. Not the greatest news, but so far so good I guess...

Which brings us to what has been on my mind lately. With all the health issues and sitting around all day, it is easy to understand I am growing impatient with all this business. As I am typing this I keep getting shooting pains that I pray aren't my lungs collapsing the rest of the way. I know God gives us trials to help us grow, but if failing was optional I would ask for an F this go around and try a different kind of trial. Medical ones are getting really old.

But we are sent here to earth to learn and grow, and God doesn't allow us to fail in our tests. I've realized when I do, they keep reoccurring until I learn and get it right. I know I am being taught patience, but I really thought I was a pretty patient person. I know God is with me, and I am grateful for the invitation to draw closer to Him and get through this mess.

As I am working on it, I have amended my roadmap for where I want to be this year. I've now added this:

If all of you can pray my body will heal, it will be greatly appreciated. I am so grateful for all of your support, prayers, and words of encouragement, and with help I know I will get through this.

This Day Was Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

My day started off like any other day today. I woke up after ignoring my alarm clock a few times, hopped in the shower, grabbed my breakfast and ran out the door. Nate and I are trying to eat a little healthier, so we bought bananas. Bananas and I have always had a love-hate relationship. A rocky on and off again ordeal. The soft and slimy texture of bananas (or yogurt-like substances) usually make me gag, but because they are deemed a healthier option than the blueberry cobbler I made last night, I decided to eat one this morning. Bananas are an easy option on the go and you can eat them while you drive.

Only I should know by now that eating and driving is a bad choice. As I am driving along and eating my banana, I bite into something hard. As previously discussed, the texture of banana is soft and slimy, not hard and crunchy. I immediately spit everything out of my mouth and look down to see this:

It might as well have looked like that. My face did.

So maybe it wasn't quite like that. It was a gross brown, round mass I have never seen before. Especially not in my bananas. After my dear coworker Jessica consulted our top expert on the matter, Google, we found out it was a banana worm. I called Nate to tell him the news. I would now be growing a banana-worm alien child inside of me, and unfortunately he would not be the father. He was at work, so I don't think he really even listened to me, or if he did, he didn't think it was a big deal. Maybe he thinks the banana will pay child support? Anyway, we also found out the banana worms can have laxative type properties. As I type this up, I can tell you... it may be true. The insides are not feeling too well this evening.

Have you ever eaten something on accident that made you ill, or made you want to be ill?

Habitat's for Humanity

Old habit's die hard. Or sometimes they don't die at all. Being recently married, I've realized many things I do are sheerly habit. The way I cook, clean, shop, and more. I have things I do in a particular way, for no particular reason other than I do.

Nate and I do not have a dog, the greatest reason being we live on the third floor (and Nate won't let me get one). But out of habit, I must always put the lid down on the toilet and make sure that I never leave anything a dog may want to eat on the floor or on a coffee table. I also eat food off my plate one item at a time, don't step on the cracks of the sidewalk, hit the snooze at least once before getting up, and run up all flights of stairs as quickly as possible when I encounter them.

These are all what I call habitats. Habits formed at home. We pick them up from our childhood homes, the schools we went to, the places we've been, and ultimately it boils down to the people surrounding us. Home is such an interesting concept when you think about it as living. Most people don't become sentimental over a physical house, they feel attached to it because of the people who lived inside it or near it. According to Webster's, one definition of home is 'where something flourishes'.

Nate is home to me. The Spirit is home to me. My family. My friends. They've all made me who I am. Even some people who have caused me pain, they still feel like home because, if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have learned some lessons. I wouldn't have formed those habits to take me away from those people or situations.

Today I am grateful for my habitats. For the people and places that have formed me into who I am because of habits they have left me with.

I Figured Out Where I Want To Be This Year

Road map for this year complete... You're welcome.

Time. Take Two.

It's 7:21 in the morning. Not a creature is stirring, except for me and the cats. Time zone changes will do that to a person. Or maybe just to me. So I am sitting here on my computer waiting for everybody else (whose bodies allow them to sleep in on vacation) to get up so we can go to breakfast! I guess it just gives me more contemplation time.

I was thinking again about time today and how things change constantly, and it made me stop to think about choices and how they affect us in time. Every action we make has a consequence, it's inevitable. It's part of God's plan for us. But knowing that all choices have consequences tied to them, God gave us an escape route. Because no matter who we are presently, He makes it about who we are trying to become or will be in the future.

Looking at others, it's so easy to judge based on past facts and personal perspective. But we don't have God's perspective. Just our own point of view. To us, when someone makes a mistake that is all that is outwardly apparent. Just the mistake. We don't get to see the person was facing their own unique set of problems or mindsets. Take our friend from Les Miserables. Jean Valjean is considered a hero by my standard. He was seen by those surrounding him as a thief for stealing bread. But he stole bread in a time of depression to feed his sister's children. While the law states it's wrong, it depends who you ask if it was really a crime. Some will side with the law, others will side with Jean. To me, it seems black and white. Forgiveness comes easily for me towards Jean Valjean, he was just doing something desperate in a desperate time. It comes easiest when we think about the mercy given to us from our wrong doings through the atonement.

So Jean Valjean spends his whole life doing good and honorable things, and still some cannot see him as more then a criminal. For a time he became embittered by the things he went through, but in the end he finds compassion to be the ultimate virtue. How many people do we see through time overcome vices and turn them into virtues. Such should be the consequence of time, and the ultimate struggle of life. And to me, it should be applauded. Just something to think about.

I could go on, but I am now going to spend my precious time getting ready for breakfast. YUM!!!