Out Like A Lamb... In Like A Lion

I figure on the last day of the year it may be important to write my blog for the month. I will write something superb in January. I am typing all of this on my i-touch in the guest room at Nate's parents house. Needless to say, the typing is a bit difficult!

Today I bought my wedding dress! It is a huge relief to say the least. I got it for 200 less than what I thought it was going to be and I know there was some serious divine intervention. Anyone who knows me knows I tend to stress a bit. Bless Nate and his learned patience towards me. He has been extra wonderful during the wedding stuff, and makes it go by so much smoother. I love that man!

In traditional style, I will be shouting out this years new resoloution. This upcoming year I have pledged to myself to be less negative. When I am awake tomorrow and have a laptop I will tell you all about it!

Two posts in one month... what has happened to me!?

So I have been wasting an inordinate amount of time tonight on worthless youtube videos and looking at dresses that wouldn't cover an ant... Does no one believe in making a wedding dress that covers anymore!? I believe I have a severe sleep deficiency lately, and I am hoping if I write all my thoughts down I will be able to fall asleep.
If you have ever been engaged, or will ever be engaged soon, this post is for you. I believe once you have a ring on your finger it chemically alters your brain. Maybe Nate bought me a band with lead in it and it is affecting my brain. I'm not sure, but I have not been right ever since haha. This is my public confession and apology for Nate, who puts up with my craziness. Tonight, I literally burst into tears telling him how I am sad to leave my family and move out in a few months. I also had a tantrum a couple days ago, during which I basically asked him to bring me cake, and when he told me he was bringing me a brownie, I demanded cake or nothing at all. And because He is probably so afraid of me at this point, he brought me the cake. Poor man. (I blew those stories a little out of proportion, but if you talk to Nate he will most likely say they aren't far off). Anyone who knows me knows I don't do well with huge sudden changes, and in trying to have this perfect wedding day I think I am stressing a little too much. Seriously. A wedding is one day, and I realize during this process that in the grand scheme of things the only thing that will really matter is that we will be married. Sealed for all time and eternity together. That realization was the first thing that brought me calm all day. I am so excited for that day. Now that I have worked through this dilemma, I believe I will go to bed. I am getting married. I will be living with a boy. We are going to be so happy. Who would have thought?

Insist On Yourself; Never Imitate

It is November. There are a myriad of things going on, making me believe I should probably write more than once a month. So for the update... I AM ENGAGED! I know... I didn't think it would ever happen either haha. But finally, I tricked him into it and Nate and I are getting married April 23rd. Best. Day. EVER. It is crazy how life works out sometimes.


Lately I have been reading books from a list of 100 classic literary works, a list I have been reading since I was 14. I set no deadline to finish them, I just saw the list one day and decided to do it. So I was reading some of Emerson's essays to finish another reading on the list and I fell in love with his essay Self-Reliance. The man is brilliant. So I wanted to share two of my favorite paragraphs in the essay that really hit me. (And then in classic Erica blogging form, I will explain how I feel it personally applies to my life.)


Emerson says:


"Man is timid and apologetic; he is no longer upright; he dare not say 'I think,' 'I am,' but quotes some saint or sage. He is ashamed before the blade of grass or the blowing rose. These roses under my window make no reference to former roses or to better ones; they are for what they are; they exist with God today. There is no time to them. There is simply the rose; it is perfect in every moment of its existence. Before a leaf-bud has burst, its whole life acts: in the full-blown flower there is no more; in the leafless root there is no less. Its nature is satisfied and it satisfies nature in all moments alike. There is not time to it. But man postpones or remembers; he does not live in the present, but with reverted eye laments the past, or, heedless of the riches that surround him, stands on tiptoe to foresee the future. He cannot be happy and strong until he too lives with nature in the present, above time...


Insist on yourself; never imitate. Your own gift you can present every moment with the cumulative force of a whole life's cultivation; but of the adopted talent of another you have only an extemporaneous half possession. That which each can do best, none but his Maker can teach him. No man yet knows what it is, nor can, till that person has exhibited it. Where is the master who could have taught Shakespeare? Where is the master who could have instructed Franklin, or Washington, or Bacon, or Newton? Every great man is an unique. If anybody will tell me whom the great man imitates in the original crisis when he performs a great act, I will tell him who else than himself can teach him. Shakespeare will never be made by the study of Shakespeare. Do that which is assigned thee and thou canst not hope too much or dare too much."


I think the nice thing about falling in love with Nate is that I never tried to make it happen, it just did. In dating Nate, every moment along the way has felt perfect in its existence. Our four years of friendship. When we both said I love you. Now our engagement. I feel like these things were all perfectly placed in my life. In general I think we all worry so much about what we are meant to become or where our lives will take us. We worry what others will think, or we try so hard to be a certain way, that we forget to just be ourselves. To be the fabulous beings God intended us to be, and to be satisfied in being such. When we just let life happen, without trying to force it along or make it something it was never meant to be, we see this beautiful masterpiece coming together we never could have created on our own. Emerson asked the question, "Where is the master that could have instructed Franklin, or Washington, or Bacon, or Newton?" and I feel blessed that I know the answer. The Master. When we stick close to God we are instructed by Him to become the person he would have us be. He teaches us to hone in on the talents He gave us and then teaches us how to use them to further His work and to better those around us. When we let go of trying to be something or someone else, and "do that which is assigned thee", we are not held back by fear or perceived limitations. We dare to dream. To branch out and fulfill our destiny.


This year has been a journey of trying to figure out how I find myself, or my life's calling. The real purpose for my life. And although I have yet to figure out what it is, I finally found out how to discover it. I think there are all sorts of people, places or things that lead you to where you belong, but for me, I feel like I understand them best when I stay close to what I believe. God provides me with those specific things I need to help me find my life's passions and purposes. And in those moments, I feel at peace. I don't feel the need to be a rose, I feel content just being a seed for now.

The Suite Life of Erica

So as I answered the phone for what seemed like eternity yesterday, I had a man call in and tell me about his life living in a hotel. Now, I have seen the Suite Life Of Zack And Cody, but besides that and the movie Two Weeks Notice, I know of no real people who live in a hotel long term. (Okay and maybe Nadia when her family was moving to the US... but besides that, no one.) Even though it was a touch unprofessional, every once in a while I feel the need to humor these people who share way more information then ever necessary or desired. And here is what I learned: If you live in a hotel, they have long term rates that can be cheaper than living in an apartment. They clean your room once a week, supply your shampoo and toilet paper. Can we say continental breakfast? I'm just saying... sweet life indeed. I am pretty sure you have to be a crack dealer or a pimp to redeem this offer, but I didn't get to ask the buy about that stipulation of the contract. On the surface, it seems like a pretty good deal though. And then I realized... I already live this life. Except I don't pay anything... and I didn't have to be a crack dealer or pimp. My parents are simply amazing. I know that soon enough I am going to have to leave my suite life for new adventures, but today I. LOVE. IT.

More to come soon... I love the fall. Going hiking next week, eating some DELICIOUS apples, and seeing the yellow and orange leaves fall from the trees. After four years in Idaho, I learned to love cold weather fashion. And flannel pajamas. I believe I will snuggle back into my bed now and take a nice little mid morning nap. Good night.

A Nose In Need Deserves Puffs Indeed

It's 8:22 AM. I have been up for a couple of hours now, wondering what I am going to do all day today because I called out sick from work. I have this terrible cold, but I see it as a blessing in disguise to have a moment's respite from life's hectic pace. I have already had a plethora of things run through my mind as to what I want to write in this blog. I think about writing all the time, but usually feel too guilty I am not doing something more productive and abandon my one hobby I have tried so hard to keep up with. So to update you on my life, I may be sick today, but I feel an overwhelming sense of happiness and contentment. Not because I have everything figured out in my life, but because I am surrounded by love and friendship and beauty and have had the common sense lately to open my eyes and enjoy it. I have been having these moments where it really hits me how lucky I am to have wonderful friends, a loving family, wise people who inspire me and never even know it, a job, a dog, a brain, a bed, and so much more.

I came to this conclusion at the beginning of this week, after a bit of a slump last week. As a women, I feel it comes so easy to not feel good enough. To feel like we disappoint others and ourselves constantly. I struggle with feeling I can do so much better and falling short of doing it. Friday, Nate, Tiff, G Sauce and I went to Southpark Regal Cinemas to see Eat, Pray, Love. I have wanted to see that movie since I first saw the preview. And although the movie fell a bit short of my expectations, there was one scene that hit me profoundly. As Julia Roberts is talking with her Texan mentor on the roof of the ashram in India he tells her she needs to forgive herself. I find forgiving others generally comes easy for me. I don't know what to do with emotions like anger so I generally try to push them out of my life quickly. But forgiving myself is like asking me to climb Everest. If any of you have ever heard me go off on my Everest tangent, I apologize... to make a succinct point we will just say Everest to me seems like a waste of time and you must be insane if you want to risk your life to freeze your buns off and look off of a mountain for five minutes. But after thinking about it, I have realized that Everest may be one of the most grueling challenges on Earth, but the sense of accomplishment and the beauty you must see from up there must be such a release.

If we could learn to forgive ourselves for not living up to the insane standards of the world and realize what makes us wonderful, what a release it would be. To let go of not being pretty enough, smart enough, good enough and start realizing we are, we may thereby accomplish one of life's most daunting tasks: Acceptance that with God we can do all things, but He may not require them all of you. I always feel like I need to be a five star chef, grammy award winning singer, Ansel Adams, and world's best person, but I don't think that is what God has in mind for me. I can cook meals that are edible, sing on key half the time, take pictures that allow me to remember something beautiful, and try and excel in all that I do and that is enough. Will I try to be better? Of course. But from now on I am deciding that until I perfect my scrambled eggs, its okay if they are a bit rubbery. Isn't it the little idiosyncrasies in people and events that make for the best memories? Find joy in the journey every day. If not, you are missing the adventure.

It is almost September and I am obligated to write something in this blog before the month ends. It's like visiting teaching. I want to slack off, but that ever constant pang of guilt coerces me to do something before the end of the month. Time has flown by lately, which is an oddity in itself since most days at work feel like weeks. Nonetheless, as I look back on things lately, I realize how intricate my life can get. We, the people living in 2010, may be some of the craziest and busiest people to ever roam the earth.

If there were a picture to describe how the neurons and synapses in my brain fire, somedays I believe it would be an empty room full of cobwebs. Other days it would be like JFK airport (only not so dirty). So many changes have happened in the past few months, and a few days ago they all just seemed to process for me. It was like I forgot I was living a life. My life. And I have just been watching it all happen. Like JFK, I seem to get a little backed up in my thoughts, and there are occasionally some major delays. Through the monotony of job, boyfriend, sleep, repeat steps one through three 22 workdays out of the 31 days in a month, we forget how good we have it. Like that I have one of the funniest, most fabulous families on the face of the planet. That even when I don't see some of them but once a year or so, we can pick up where we left off and know if either of us needed anything, we would be there in a heartbeat to help out. I may have the best boyfriend in the whole world, who indulges me by feeding into my childhood fantasy of being a princess because he treats me like one every day. And I have probably taken much more than I have given from the relationship in the past and he has not once complained or stopped giving. My friends provide me with daily laughter and enjoyment and constantly remind me of who I am and cheer me on. I would say life rarely goes as expected, but God has been so good to me.

I am ready to go to bed, so I better wrap this thing up. I'll share an insight that struck me this past week. I was driving to church on Sunday and I had barely begun driving when I noticed the most hideous turkey buzzard eating some poor creature who must have had some rather poor luck the night before. This buzzard, to describe buzzards in Virginia terms, looks like it got straight beat with the ugly stick. They are big, and bristly, and all around nasty creatures. Not to mention they wait around to eat off of dead or dying creatures. Essentially they prey on animals who have already had a rough enough time. As I passed it thinking it must be one of the ugliest creatures in the world, I had the thought pop into my head... it may be the most ugly creature on the planet, but God loves it. It is a buzzard, it takes advantage over others, it is an insignificant, ugly as sin, bird. And God is mindful of it and loves it because it is one of his creations. Some days I don't feel like I am much better than a buzzard, sometimes I feel better than it, and somedays I feel like I am it, but God loves me. And He opened my eyes this week to so much. He helped me understand that even when we meet people who are like ugly turkey buzzards to us, He still loves them and expects us to do the same. Not just tolerate them, or pass them by, but to love them right on back. After finishing the book Mockingjay this week, I have just thought how much this world needs a little more love and kindness. And I am so grateful that this week I was finally able to see all the love and kindness I am surrounded by. When the whole world seems to be going crazy I am so glad that I can be grounded by the support of those around me. Thank you!

Darcie's Getting Married!

This blog post has nothing to do with that. It was just a ploy to get her to read my blog and a thought I was having at the moment. July has been busy. If I hear someone bug me one more time to write a blog, he will have to bring me a substantial amount of rainbow cookies and flowers to get out of the dog house he will be in. I am sad I have not been keeping up with this thing like I should. I have had so many good ideas about what to write, and not enough hours in the day to write them all down. But in an attempt to not write a novel this post, I will get to business.
Last weekend, CDENNEKD^2 all got to go up to Palmyra, New York to see AB. (I have short handed the names in traditional style... if you don't get it... don't worry about it :p ) Ash Bash was in the Hill Cumorah pageant in Palmyra, and seeing as she was playing Mary, we felt it appropriate to make the 9+ hour trip to see her. The pageant was awesome, but I really loved going around to all the different LDS church history sites. I went to the Sacred Grove, Joseph Smith's home, Hill Cumorah, and the Palmyra temple. It was an awesome experience to say the least. For those of you not up to par on LDS church history, we believe God and His Son, Jesus Christ, appeared to Joseph Smith in the patch of woods now called the Sacred Grove. I can't imagine what it would be like to walk through Jerusalem, because going to the Sacred Grove you could just feel the importance of the place. A short distance away was Joseph Smith's frame and log home. To REALLY condense a lot of facts, there were two houses on the site. A home that they built when they had first arrived in Palmyra so they could begin their farm, and a bigger house that they could actually all fit in. After much sacrifice and struggle, they had built a decent home, and were kicked out of it due to some shady dealings and a poor growing season. There is a quote outside of their nice home that they were only able to live in for a short time. When I read it, it hit me hard. Lucy Mack Smith, Joseph Smith's mother said this as they left behind essentially everything they had put their sweat and tears into:
"I now give this up for the sake of Christ and salvation and I pray God to help me do so without one murmur or tear... I will not cast one longing look upon anything which I leave behind me."
WOW! I hope I will become that person one day. What determination! No more "what if's" or wishing I could go back. Its comes so natural to want to go back to a place in life we knew and were comfortable in. Its easy to long for the past or obsess about the future, but I applaud those who know how to live in the moment. I think I am slowly learning to do this. To close my eyes for a moment and put a strand in the Pensieve (thank you Harry Potter... I am awaiting your two part arrival with anticipation). I guess the muggle world would call it meditating. Lately I have the need to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and feel the calm, happiness. For me it is to feel at one with God. For others, perhaps it is the universe or yourself. But there is a definite need to become grounded again in something. Whatever you believe in or whatever you do, you have to find that inner peace. A refuge from the chaos of life. That's what writing helps me to do...work through and find the inner peace. Chocolate lava cake helps me do that too. I will go get some now and stop this blog. Good Day.